I Was A Teenage Vegan CookBlog

I had decided to make cookies yesterday morning, and was faced with the usual dilemna of what from my cupboards to put in them (I settled on a little of everything, as usual), when, in a flash of mad brilliance, I decided that rather than simply stirring various objects into my cookies and thus being crushed beneath the endlessly reinvented chocolate-chip wheel, I could blend my fillings together and seal them up inside the cookie, creating an object of layers, of inner and outer dimensions, subtlety of form, and complexity of taste. Unfortunately, the chocolate on chocolate color scheme leaves the visual effect a little underwhelming, but that shouldn’t stop you from appreciating the idea for all it’s palatable, ascetically-pleasing genius. The only disappointment is that those bigwigs in Sweden haven’t seen fit to award me any Nobel Prizes for culinary science. Well, those fools have overlooked me for the last time. From here it’s only one small step to my secret baking laboratory on the moon, from which all of my most diabolical menus will come to delicious fruition. People of Earth, welcome to the house of the circle:

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup walnuts
• 1/2 cup shredded coconut
• 1/2 cup dark chocolate pieces
• 1/2 cup toffee pieces
• 1/4 cup coffee
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 2 tbsp. margarine
• 3 oz. semi-sweet baking chocolate
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 1/4 tsp. almond extract
• 1 cup margarine
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 2 measures egg replacer
• 1/2 cup cocoa
• 3 cups flour
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Equipment: Food processor, saucepan, cookie sheet, freezer, mixing bowl, oven.

Music: Neptune - The Ballet of Process

Text: Soon I Will Be Invincible - Austin Grossman

Instructions:

1. Combine the walnuts, coconut, toffee pieces, and dark chocolate in a food processor and grind them into small pieces.
2. In a saucepan, melt 2 tbsp. of margarine over medium-low heat along with 3 oz. of semi-sweet chocolate and 1/4 cup of strong black coffee, stirring constantly. Once they are smooth and fully combined remove the pan from heat and stir in the cinnamon and vanilla and almond extracts. Allow the mixture to cool slightly, then stir in the combined ingredients from the food processor.
3. Use a wet teaspoon the measure the filling out onto a greased baking sheet, flattening each ball of filling slightly with the underside of the spoon. Put the baking sheet in the freezer to cool while you prepare the cookie dough.
4. Cream the margarine and sugars together in a mixing bowl, then add the vanilla extract and egg replacer. Mix together the dry ingredients in a separate bowl and add them to the wet 1 cup at a time. Melt the chocolate chips and stir them into the dough.
5. Use a tablespoon to portion out the cookie dough onto a baking sheet. Remove the sheet with the now-solid filling pieces from the freezer. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.
6. Press each ball of cookie dough flat and put a disc of filling in the center. Fold the edge of the dough up around the filling and pinch together to seal. Place the finished cookies with the seam side down on the baking sheet.
7. Bake for 12 minutes. Serve hot (while the filling is still gooey), or refrigerate for later.

My grand scheme may still have a few small kinks to work out (extreme high-altitude cooking temperatures, more “outer-space”-style cookie color scheme, menacing spandex chef’s costume), but in the meantime feel free to experiment with it yourself. You can thank me for this small measure of munificence later, right before I grind your puny world beneath my heel. After that, I imagine it will just be all grovelling, all the time.